Taxonomy of Knitters

knittingman's picture

Knitters are an important genus within the hominidae family. Although much work has been done to describe the various species within the genus, some work remains to do. Here I hope to describe a few of the more common species' characteristics and introduce the uninitiated to some of the lesser known varieties.

Knitter Natura- This is the knitter who takes to knitting as easily as a child takes its first breath. Others are often astonished at how quickly Natura comes to understand not only the basic knit but the more interesting stitches as well. Natura's first project is rarely the simple scarf. It only takes a little time for the new born Natura to begin making socks, shawls and sweaters. Most knitters hate Natura.

Knitter Snobista- The local yarn store is the exclusive home of the Snobista. Snobista, Snob in the vernacular, simply will not knit with acrylic yarn. While Snobs have varying degrees of the trait, many will go so far as refusing to knit a wool yarn unless the breed is listed. They can be reclusive, shunning others who might purchase their yarn at big box stores and should never be mixed with their hated enemy- Genus Crochet.

Knitter Obsessiva- Obsessiva is a source of consternation to their homosapien partners. The Obsessiva is always knitting. Always. Knitting is often preferred to the company of others and even mating.
They are sometimes called "Walking Knitters". Evolution has developed a unique capacity for these Walkers to tuck their yarn under their arm, thereby allowing constant production of knitted goods. No obstacle is too great to prevent the Obsessiva from knitting. Some have even developed blind knitting to allow them to knit under desks and in dark movie theaters.

Knitter Manipulata- This knitter has found a unique niche to allow their survival. As its name suggests, Manipulata has discovered that fiber can be an incredible tool for manipulating others. Gifts of socks, hats and so on are often offered as favors in return for services. The more advanced of the species may even give the gift just before requesting that some awful task be completed.
A unique case of a Manipulata was seen in its infancy. The new born actually pretended to not understand how to wrap the yarn around the needle to get his crush to grab his hands in order to instruct him. His crush did not mind, by the way.

Knitter Productura- Masses of finished goods are the signature of Productura. Others are often astonished at the sheer volume of items created by Productura. These knitters are often seen to knit quite quickly, regardless of method used. Surprisingly, continental is rarely observed here. Productura tends to favor the simpler method of picking up the working yarn for each stitch. Because of the large volumes of yarn consumed, cheaper acrylics are favored.

Knitter Arboreti- Arboreti is a rare breed indeed. This species will rarely purchase yarn. Instead, they purchase hay. This is then processed through any number of fiber producing animals which are then shorn. The resulting fiber is then processed by Arboreti, spun into usable yarn, dyed and then finally knit. Love of labor and process is the key trait here.

Knitter Hippi- The Hippi (pronounced Hippie by most) is something like the urban version of Arboreti. Instead of raising their fiber from hay, they will find old sweaters at thrift shops and go through the sometimes painful process of frogging them in order to make "new" things. Knitter Hippi is driven by the strange notion that they can save the planet by making a few hats from old worn sweaters. To date, they have only succeeded in making hats that look just like old worn sweaters.

It should be noted that cross breeding between the species is common if not rampant. Most knitters will share traits of many species, including those not listed here. Many will show traits of one species but surprise the observer by evolving into something entirely different.

Although this list is by no means comprehensive, it should provide a starting point for classifying knitters as you come across them. In the interest of advancing the collective knowledge, all are encouraged to provide additional species that they may have observed in the comments below or at knittingman.wordpress.com.

Comments

Thomasknits's picture

Oh. My. God.

Oh. My. God.

New York Built's picture

I await, with a modicum of

I await, with a modicum of expectation, the exhibit diarama at the American Museum of Natural History based on your scholarly work. Tell us...did you require a blind in their native habitat to do field observations? I understand they, like deer, freeze in the headlights of direct observation. Any fossilic remains? Or evidentiary tufts of wool left in their passing?

knittingman's picture

Over the past years I have

Over the past years I have worked my way into their confidence. I've diligently tried to mimic their every move, allowing me to observe them while directly in their midst. They are indeed a fascinating breed and my deep appreciation of them only continues to grow.

New York Built's picture

Finally, an anthropological

Finally, an anthropological adept skilled in Heisenberg Compensation techniques! I herald your arrival.

michaelpthompson's picture

Need a "Like" or +1 button on

Need a "Like" or +1 button on here.

Potter's picture

LOL! I love it!

LOL! I love it!

Nehkhasi's picture

:-)

:-)