On a Side Note: Sometimes I Just Can't Help Myself

AKQGuy's picture

***Warning, has nothing to do with knitting and may contain mental imagery some may find distrubing. If you like that sort of thing, please read on my twisted Bruthas!***

We went to the movies tonight to watch "Bad Teacher" in an effort to re-wire my sleep schedule back to night shift. Honestly we should have waited for it to hit the bargain theater and only paid $3.00 dollars per ticket. I haven't seen that many boob shots since watching Short Bus. At least Short Bus had enough male frontal nudity to offset it all. But who wants a movie critique, God knows I'm no critic nor ever felt the need to be paid to share my opinion and I got lots of laughs from the nasty humor so it served some purpose.

When I went back to the concession counter after finding our seats the young gal who had admitted us had a young male with her behind the counter. As she wrung up my iced tea she was fiddling with a string on her finger and told her co-worker that some guy had asked her what she was worried about forgetting. The young man seemed stump until she held of the finger and said, "Because of the string?"

He then nodded and asked what the item was she was concerned about and she replied it was just a quick accessory she added earlier. I just couldn't help myself... I swear, I have no idea where this crap comes from.

I stated, "Depending how cute he was I would have said something inapproriate."

They both kinda looked at me in a look that manner others may have interpreted as, "Old man, keep your mouth shut, we weren't speaking to you." I took it more along the lines of, "Oh wizened one, expound on your knowledge of such things." I often mix up those two teen aged expressions. They're so similar. They should really stop going on sarcastic looks and just open their mouths and speak. Of course, I did that often as a teenager and it rarely worked as I thought it would... I'm sure there's a lesson there somewhere.

Regardless, I stated, "If he was cute I would have said, 'It's to remind me to use protection next time.' and if he wasn't so cute and kinda creepy I would have said, 'To remind myself to use that special crab killing shampoo when I get home tonight'." It took that heart beat for them both to laugh. You know that moment. That, "Oh my balls on the floor, did he really just say that?" skip of breath that's just long enough for you to think, "Oh shit, I said that out loud didn't I?" I find that really the only thing to do after the awkward laugh is to shrug and grin as you walk away.

Really, I swear I don't know where such thoughts come from in my head. I don't! My ex R. We'll just call him that should he ever read this, often would hit me in the shoulder in public places and say, "People don't say that shit." Where often my reply was, "Really? Well, I just did." I think I embarrassed him a time to many. Well, there were many other issues in that little trip down relationship lane, but he was often horrified by thoughts that I assumed a lot of us had. I just seemed to have a filter issue. As in, maybe I didn't have one?

Bob fortunately seems to often find great humor in waiting for what's going to possibly fly out of my mouth. When we first started dating he lived right around the corner from this great little grocery store with a Kaladi Coffee bar and Deli. One night after a hike with the mongrels we arrived just before closing and ordered a couple of sandwhiches. They had already started to put away some of the stuff so the kid behind the counter (I'm just going to say it, The boy was odd. Not just a little either. That dirty I only work so I can afford the membership fee for World of War Craft and my high speed internet connection kind of odd) had to pull some stuff out. It was traditional with the sandwhiches to have chips and a pickle spear. He asked us if we wanted the pickles. We both have a thing for salty pickles... Go where you may with that, such desires seem to have brought us together, so we said, "Yes, thanks." Before you know it the kid is on the floor digging under the counter in the refrigerated drawer and I couldn't stop it. I turned to Bob and the lady who had gotten there after us and stated, "Figures he'd have to get on his knee to get the pickle."

The lady kind of gave me that slow "Get on his knees?" blink, and the kid looked at me like he didn't understand the comment in the least. Meanwhile poor Bob had to walk into the produce section while I paid and collected sandwiches and said pickle spears so as not to laugh rudely in the kids face. It was at that moment that I thought, this may work." You should have seen him at the Safeway checkout when he opted out of donating to Prostate Cancer research after just the week previously he had made a donation to Breast Cancer research. I thought that kid was going to crawl into the cash drawer to get away from me.

Truly I don't mean to be such an ass. In my own head, the comment seems so benign and humorous. Maybe after five years working ICU, my sense of appropriate humor is too skewed to be a good judge? I think it started long before that though. When I got pulled over for the first of my two speeding tickets the poor cop was horrified when he had asked me had I ever been stopped for speeding and I responded, "No, Sir. Congratulations, your my first." I didn't wink at him! I did stop that little compulsion. For Christ Sake. He had just returned from running my license and registration, he knew I had never been pulled over before. He deserved a little sarcasm. Of course, when he had originally come to my window and asked me, "Do you know how fast you were going?" My original comment was, "Well since you had to pull me over, I'm going to take a wild guess and assume I wasn't paying too much attention to my speedometer." Some cops have no sense of humor what-so-ever. The only people with less are airport security. When I had to go to Ft Lauderdale for work and was returning to Casper, I got chosen for the full body X-ray machine thing. They honestly asked me to take off my hat. I know I got that look on my face and before I could suppress it I asked, "Are you serious? Your about to X-ray me and be able to see my junk to make sure I don't have a hunk of C4 behind my left nut but I need to take the hat off?" I was worried momentarily I was going to have to relax my sphincter while grabbing my ankles and imagining wide open spaces. Learn to laugh a bit people.

So, to those two teenagers tonight I offer an apology. It may be some form of tourette syndrome. Or maybe my mother just did a lousy job raising me because I always said what she was thinking and she was too busy laughing to get mad at me. The first time I remember her having a hard time keeping a straight face is when I was four and she heard me tell my brohter who had called me a retard that he was the peanut in my poop that scratched my butthole on it's way out. If only she knew what a sign that was of the things to come. Really guys. You should at least be allowed to go to bars legally before you ever have to think about that "special crab shampoo" that makes you feel anything other than special while your using it. Just remember... Rinse and Repeat.

As for R... I hope you finally grew a set and can find some humor where it's due. It was funny dammit. And if she wasn't going to wear a bra and her boob fell out while showing us to our table I was allowed to comment on the nipple ring. She shared first.



Bill's picture

I'm trying not to laugh

I'm trying not to laugh because 99% of this is gross, vulgar and offensive...but, dammit...it IS funny!!!

AKQGuy's picture

Bill... Please don't go to

Bill... Please don't go to my blog then. I'll try to only offend the sensibilities while tickling the sense of humor here. Deal?

Bill's picture

I did read your blog,

I did read your blog, Quinton......once!

Joe-in Wyoming's picture

Only once? I check on it

Only once? I check on it regularly, just because. [And not because it belongs to Quinton, either.] -- Books, knitting, cats, fountain pens...Life is Good.

Bill's picture

Once was enough...it's not

Once was enough...it's not my kind of humor...but he is very clever...

Joe-in Wyoming's picture

That's okay, Bill. Nothing

That's okay, Bill. Nothing was intended against you...I realize that different forms of humor tickle different people. It's one of the joys of being individual. -- Books, knitting, cats, fountain pens...Life is Good.

jessemkahn's picture

i've self-diagnosed myself

i've self-diagnosed myself as having mini-tourettes

beenieg80's picture

Loved it, funny. A lot like

Loved it, funny. A lot like my day to day more so at work than home. My partner doesn’t get it nor like it so much. I can relate, sort of, to the speeding ticket part. Here in the Chicago area rush hour moves about 15 over the speed limit. One morning I found myself with the cruise control set at 85 (20 over). The cop comes up and says “congratulations you are the fastest on the tollway today” I asked him what my prize was. He just stared at me, then bust out laughing and walked to his car. My prize…well I got a $120 fine and was able to keep my license and did not have to go to court and did not get the $1000 fine for speeding in a work zone. =)

bobinthebul's picture

Heheh the kind of stuff that

Heheh the kind of stuff that comes to mind but gets filtered by my sometimes overactive superego. What a shit he is sometimes. I often find myself in some public place, thinking about how interesting it would be to do or say something completely inappropriate and then just be able to suddenly be an observer instead of the agent, and watch the reaction. Public transportation is especially ripe with possibilities. You're on a crowded bus, and you're smashed up against some absolutely beautiful creation in front of you in a tank top and a perfect, flawless neck, and I think, "that neck's just 7 inches from my tongue, theoretically it would be sooo easy...just a simple action..." but of course we know better and so it may as well be a mile away. (Actually, I've had enough inappropriate things happen in Istanbul buses that perhaps it isn't as farfetched as it sounds at first...) Or I see some bearded fundamentalist guy with his baggy pants and skullcap, sitting there ostentatiously going through his prayer beads, and think, "Gee, I wonder what he'd do if I plopped myself on his lap and planted a big wet one right on the kisser?" Of course I know exactly what would happen (well, several variations are possible), but that liminal moment between "Did that just happen? Could that just have happened? Nah..." and "Holy crap, it did!" is priceless.

Of course as our brains age, we do tend to lose some of our sense of propriety. (Thinking of my very proper southern belle grandmother who, for the last year of her life, could not be kept in clothes.) I predict that I'm going to have a really interesting senility. If a rather short-lived one...

Oh - speaking of inappropriate, and boob shots, all in one (you may not thank me for this):

TheKnittingMill's picture

LOL! That's why we love you

LOL! That's why we love you Q! After working 11 years in ICU, I can reaffirm the inability to recognize appropriateness of humor. Luckily, I can still recognize the stiff look I get when regaling company with clinical stories at the dinner table.

Joe-in Wyoming's picture

I keep reiterating that this

I keep reiterating that this is one of the reasons I just adore Q. I just wish I hadn't let my filters get so thick that I very seldom get to let anything through. No wonder I'm so solemn and shy. -- Books, knitting, cats, fountain pens...Life is Good.

rc_in_sd's picture

You're too funny, Quinton!

You're too funny, Quinton! I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one with these impulses that apparently don't fall under the standard bell curve. I fear the day that my filters finally give way.

AKQGuy's picture

Screw filters. Join my party!

Screw filters. Join my party!

MMario's picture

One of the things I like

One of the things I like about my summer job in 1585 is that I get to remove the filters (mostly) and say perfectly outrageous things....and get paid for doing so.

Having a New England up bringing I have massive filters under normal conditions....

AKQGuy's picture

1585? I guess those of us

1585? I guess those of us able to supress require an outlet for our public horrifying thoughts? I'm glad you found yours.

MMario's picture

*grin* for 20 years I've

*grin* for 20 years I've been being paid (at the summer job) to insult people; use sexual innuendo routinely; at volume and in front of multitudes of people;

kinda liberating.....occasionaly embaressing (when you find that the "couple" you are talking with are mother/son or father daughter - for example)

Another plus of the job - I get to hand real weapons to toddlers in front of their parents!!!!!!

AKQGuy's picture

Weapons to young children?

Weapons to young children? Where do I apply?

MMario's picture

To top it off; the adults

To top it off; the adults get their arrows and step directly into the firing range. Kids (and we're talking mostly age 8 and down here) get to carry the weapons on the (crowded) street the length of the firing range before they reach their range.

It just makes the whole experience more exciting for everyone....

Thanks. Just keep ploughing


Just keep ploughing on. You are a national treasure, Sweetie.

Laughed so loudly my colleagues are now sizing me up for a funny jacket.

Thanks again

AKQGuy's picture

Damn them! They're the kind

Damn them! They're the kind of people who stare at you blandly when you do or say something that requires one to laugh at yourself, aren't they. These types scare me. And when scared I tend to react by saying or doing more outrageous things. It never ends well.

And I love beimg called a "national treasure", albeit from a Canadian. But feel free to comment more!